though mine is so completely blended with my mind, that it is not
as strong in me. It is not so easily awakened in me, but it is much more
intense even as a physical feeling I think.
I am very glad you did not enter the church. How could you think of
it? ^And yet in one way it would have suited you better than any thing.^
I must have a long talk with you some day (perhaps in a letter) on
your use of the word ?ol
“God” & the old symbols generally. The use
of them by people like ^you &^ me is never quite true. (That is what
’s writings so false.) We cannot
always stop to define
what what we
mean by God &c, &c, so the best way is not to use the
terms at all. I have taken care that the word God does not occur in
this last book of mine; hateful, damned name that it is. A word may
become so defiled by bad use that it will take a century before it can
be purified & brought into use again. I’m not explaining what I mean,
but I think you will understand.
I am now able to understand your feeling for Hinton
it was just
^principally^ the time at which he came to you that has made him so much
to you, & I have now a new kind of feeling to Hinton
Your passion for that little girl who pulled up her stockings is so
well to me. You darling!
Yes, you did need nearness to a woman when you were in Australia. I am so
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to you & you to her. I think it was
good for you both. For me all love was meant to he a curse & suffering,
– & yet, ^no,^ not a curse, one wouldn’t have been without it, but I
hope I shall never love any-thing so again.
You say on one page that you are writing it, & perhaps some one will
one day read it & understand it, & love you. It
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^And^ When I was living just like you on a lonely farm & at night when
my work was over going out to walk under the willow trees or at the
dam wall, & I used to think “One day I must
I am going to keep your diary some time longer because I’ve
not done with it yet. What made you delicate when you went out to
Australia, my sweet? Goethe
has been just for you what he has been to
me & I think ^it was^ at the same time.
I have just got your letter.
Yes, I have felt afraid that in my feeling that Hinton
had too much
power over you I might effect you too strongly on the other side. But
that in after years when you look back we “will” see that I
have been to some extent right. Hinton
, is a great man, the world will
he better for hearing what he has to say; you are doing good work in
helping the world to hear it. In truth I do not think it was so much
dear old Hinton
himself as the effect of Hinton’s admirers
not been good for you. I can quite imagine that if I were among people
who were always telling me I was a second George Sand, I might in the
end fancy I was & lose some of my own virtues in trying to imitate
hers. And yet I never would be George Sand, & I should lose Olive
Schreiner who might be every bit as good.
If you heard me defending Hinton
to other people you wouldn’t say I
“must like him a little”. I love Hinton
because he had a great free
loving soul. I hate his clinging to the old symbols when he didn’t
70cling to the thing meant
. & his fear of saying the things he meant in
naked black & white. Darling, you mustn’t let me trouble you on this
point. If you feel that I am not good for you in this way you must
tell me not to write about it any more. Perhaps if all Hinton
were nakedly published that kind of holding back I complain of would
be found not to be in the man. Yes, my boy, we are only children
together, to help eachother to grow.
Why did you tell me about that little cottage, & you all alone in it?
Now I keep wanting it, & the only thing I can do is take a bedroom for
you in a little house about a half a minutes walk from this. Yes, this
is close to Wirksworth. It is the last house on the side of the hill
above the little town. It is about a mile & a half to the station. The
woman here charges me 25/- for board & all That’s not dear is it? I
think the ^best^ plan will be ^to^ arrange that we take our meals together,
& you just have your bedroom in the other house. How long could you
perhaps stay? It would be so much nicer if we could be in the same
house, some-how eh?
^Yes I want letters, but I mustn’t get them when you are busy.^