1Thursday.
2
3Thankyou. I would like to see your diary so much. I have a kind of
4journal, but that is mainly of events, not of thoughts & feelings.
5
6I’m ^no^to a bit afraid now. You do comfort me.
7
8I am just the same in body but it’s only the place, I mean the house
9& its position more than the place generally Did I ever tell you how
10my chest first got bad. I was four days quite without food, &
11travelling all the time; I had nothing but a little cold water ^all
12that time.^ I had no money to buy food. When I ate the first mouthful
13at the end of the time, I got this horrible agony in my chest, & bad
14to rush out & for weeks I never lie down night or day. I suffocated if
15I even leaned back. Ever since that if I get to a place that is close,
16& damp & hot, it comes back.
17
18I have been to many doctors, some say it is an affection of the heart
19some say it is asthma of a very peculiar kind. They all say they have
20never seen a case just like it, & I don’t like to tell them how it
21began. Some how one can’t go back into the past without blaming
22those that are dearest to one. & it is better to let the past dead
23bury its dead.^eh?^ I have not been able to go for any walks. Twice I
24have been for a little way & yesterday I walked up & down before the
25door. You wouldn’t know me if you were to see me; I look so funny,
26my face ^is^ such a dark red with the blood in my head.
27
28There is no need to be anxious about me. I shall be better when I get
29to a fresher breezier place.
30
31You will perhaps like to see some of the reviews of S.A.F. so I send
32you some. Send them back because they are my Dadda’s. I’m sorry I
33didn’t keep any. It would be rather amusing after many years – if
34I live so long – to look at them.
35
36You say I must tell you what I am doing, but I don’t do anything
37except walk about my room & try to breathe & lie down on my bed & try
38to breathe. I don’t think it would do for me to stay here long I
39feel as though if I did I should stay here altogether. [one side of the
40page has been torn off here]
41
42feel no passion. The passion is there, but something stronger
43over-rides it.
44
45I wish you could have had what you needed in Australia.
46
47I never used to want to be good. I used to want to know, & to be, & to
48do. Now I want to be good too. It is this time of pain that has done
49it. It has broken my spirit. I am much more pitiful & tender than I
50used to be. I love every thing that can feel. You will see the
51difference in any work I do now. Do you think it is for the worse or
52the better?
53
54I am glad you told Louie. I was afraid you wouldn’t & it would make
55you untrue. ^Please work very^ Love hard. & don’t let me trouble you.
56
57You know I’m not good at all. It’s because I've never told you any
58of the mean little things about myself that you I think I am perhaps
59better than you.
60
61I have much I want to tell you.
62
63You must say Aspley on Apsley.
64Good bye.
65Olive
66
67You must say just what you think about New Rush, & about every thing
68connected with me.
69
70You must not be anxious about me I shall soon be better.
71
72Olive
73